Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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