I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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