Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
