Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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