White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
