Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
