woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
