so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
