The maid of honor just puked.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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