I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
