I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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