We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
