That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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