he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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