there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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