he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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