I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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