You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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