my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
