Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
