I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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