Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
