Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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