does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
