yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
