you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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