okay pat passed out under dana's car
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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