Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
