Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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