WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My ass is underappreciated
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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