I accidentally burped into my bong.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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