I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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