I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
