if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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