woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
