There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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