ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
