okay pat passed out under dana's car
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
