I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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