so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
