dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
