I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
