my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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