Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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