he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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