So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
