Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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