god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
