I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.