i was rollin on her like bob the builder
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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