I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
