Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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