I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
