I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im six kinds of drunk right now
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
